Recently, a mentee of mine came to me with this problem:

“My boss is usually pretty cool, but he seems to be over-analyzing my every move and I feel like I can’t do anything without being scrutinized. I know it’s probably because she cares a lot, but it’s become annoying and I don’t know what to do. Why is she doing this?”

Enter circle of control. Asking “Why is she doing this?” is a good question to understand another person’s motivation. However, your efforts should not be spent dwelling in answering this question. A majority of your time should be spent on breaking down the issue and focusing on behaviors you have direct control over. Reframing the question to move the centre of control from the external to internal is important.

In the example above, questions that would be under my mentee’s circle of control would be the following:

Most of the time, over analysis of another person’s work is lack of familiarity and trust. Bosses over-analyze things because you have not yet fulfilled the boss’s subjective criteria of what they view as successful work.

The following questions might be important but they are externally oriented (fall outside your circle of control):

• How do I stop my boss from micromanaging?
• When will they stop micromanaging?
• Why don’t they trust my work?

The following questions are internal (fall within your circle of control) in this situation:

• What actions can I take to have my boss back off?
• What can I do to show I’m competent and trustworthy?
• How can I make my boss trust the quality of my work?

The answers to these questions will be more productive in terms of resolving any problems you face because you will affect your environment instead of being affected by your environment.

As you grow your skills and become more effective, control will inevitably become an important part of life. You will start to notice two aspects of control and I want you to be aware of them.

1. Control as it relates to yourself
2. Control as it relates to others

Simple truths about control

I want you to realize a few simple truths and use them to your advantage that I’ve observed and experienced as I started to master my circle of control.

• There are things you can control
• There are things you cannot control
• The stronger, better, more efficient you become and master your circle of control:
  • The more others will give you some of their control but ONLY AFTER they have deemed you worthy by testing your boundaries
  • The more others will want to control you

We will not be diving into the reasons behind these truths in this article but I would like you to reflect on your own life and start making your own observations.Below is a list of questions that can get you started on reflecting:

• How often do you feel in control?
• How often do you feel out of control?
• What causes the above two feelings to happen?
• How can you re-create these feelings?
• Do people try to control you? Why?
• Do you try to control others? Why?

What happens as you start mastering control over yourself

Once you have mastered your circle of control, you will notice something interesting. People will start to notice your ‘vibe’. They will feel calm around you. They will feel secure around you. Your level of control over yourself will subcommunicate that you are a person of discipline. Inherently they sense that you have your ‘shit together’. The way you act and behave speaks volumes and it tells them you are aware of yourself and choose to live the way you do. As a result they can trust* you.

*Trust here means that people trust you to be you. They will believe that you know yourself well, and have a congruent personality because you display such control over yourself. They can count on you to be consistent that you will always be true to yourself.

Now here’s where things get interesting. Think about a time you met someone totally calm and in control of their actions. They behave calmly in almost any situation. How did that make you feel? Did you feel that they could handle a situation even if you couldn’t?

From my experience, the line of reasoning and logic goes as follows:

• The situation is bad and I don’t know what to do
• I’m freaking out
• Ok this person seems to know what they’re doing
• They are non-reactive and calm
• Hmm, I feel good when I’m around them
• They always act in a cool manner
• Even if they’re making mistakes, they’re in control and adapt quickly
• Ok I can trust them to take care of my issues

The line of reasoning above is essentially the formula for strong leadership. Strong leaders don’t always make the right decisions. However, strong leaders, are ALWAYS in control of themselves and adapt quickly. They concern themselves solely with what they have control over and do not spend a second worrying about anything that falls outside their circle of control.

The dangers and pitfalls of being in control and how to manage them

When you are in control of yourself be careful to avoid taking on too much from others. When people sense a calmness emanating from you a vacuum is created. Their issues and problems will try and become your issues and problems.

You need to build a wall. You’re not mother theresa trying to solve everyone’s problems in the world. You have your own things to deal with and just because you solve your issues in a calm manner does not mean you have to do the same for everyone else. It might sound selfish but the best thing you can do for others is to listen to them and allow them to solve their problems for themselves.

Imaginge a baby learning to walk. The baby might cry and you pay attention to it and nurture and guide it, but at the end of the day the baby has to walk on its own. No matter what you do, you can not force that baby stand up and walk. It has to do so on its own terms.

Draw clear boundaries and don’t be afraid to enforce them.

Below are phrases you can use/modify to help you set & enforce boundaries:

• “I’m sorry I can’t help you.”
• “What do you think you should do about it?”
• “I’m not comfortable with that.”
• “It’s not my place to do that.”

Finally, act according to your morals and values. Anything you do that reinforces your values will add to your sense of control and vice-versa. I’d like to hear your thoughts on control. Share your experiences in the comments below.